Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize