Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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