oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
