My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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