so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize