You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
