ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
