Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
