So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
