oh god was she eating orange peels again
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I think I just sharted jello shots
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