Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize