I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
