Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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