dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
