I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
