he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I cannot find my penis.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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