Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
