bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
