His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize