oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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