Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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