just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
