I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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