Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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