The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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