I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I forget how to act sober
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
