I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
