thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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