I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
