I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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