So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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