New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
