just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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