i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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