you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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