It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
