Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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