Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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