We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Someone came in the potted fern
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
