I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
