Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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