How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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