I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
