Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
