i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
