He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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