so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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