I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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