We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
