My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize