My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
