I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
