The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
