At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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