we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
