Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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