I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
