Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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