what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He kissed a someone with a penis
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
