Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
