look no pants
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
