I think i peed on brittanys purse
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
