Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Is Oprah even human
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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