Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
